Hello! It’s been a bit- on the blog, anyway. I hope I get a pass for having another child, moving across the country, and, well… living my life (And by “living life” I mean doing things like washing the dishes and going to the grocery store and changing diapers and slaying Moblins on the new Zelda game). It always seems like the more I’m out living my life, the less energy I spend writing about it. Hopefully that’s about to change.
Living in Colorado has been great!!!! Did I use enough exclamation points to convince you? I do really love it here, but it hasn’t been easy. The hikes are gorgeous, the food is plentiful, there are a million options for anything we are interested in. Even a Paleo restaurant! But leaving the place you’ve been all of your life? It’s both thrilling and difficult. Nobody wants to hear about the loneliness and difficulty of moving to a new state, because to admit that it’s challenging is to admit defeat, in a way. We love it here, we really do- but I won’t lie to you about the hard stuff. It’s just going to take some more time and adjustment- even more adjustment than life with a second baby (who is so tough and happy and amazing, by the way). These periods of change- new baby, new house, new job, new state, new spiders in our bathtub- always make me reflect a little more on what exactly it is that we are doing.
Bear with me here, because I’ve been thinking a lot about life. About what it means to live, the point of it all, what we truly leave behind and if we actually should even waste our time trying to leave something behind. (Don’t expect anything particularly profound, but I’ll probably write more about that soon.) Since I’ve last written into the void of the internet, I’ve observed people live and die and just can’t shake off the constant considerations about the point of it all. Why is life so beautiful and terrible?
The big things I want to do with my limited life- write a book someday, help struggling people see their own worth, teach a class full of kids again, explore a new country, consume Tiramisu without worrying if it’s gluten-free- make me both scrambling and stagnant. When we are being fed other people’s accomplishments and highlights live on social media, it’s hard not to get crushed under the weight of someone else’s pristine smile, big house, or perfect relationship. It feeds my mantra of can’t and shouldn’t that seems to play through my head every day, driving me slowly into sadness and resigning me to sit and play Zelda and do… nothing.
So I think it’s about time I swapped those big things I want to do for one, smaller concept: confidence. Confidence in who I am, what I am doing, what I choose to do in the future. I probably won’t establish world peace anytime in this life (I’m not Miss America and don’t have the realistic power to do so), but I think in taking smaller steps to believe that what I’m doing is important, who I am is important, I can start to escape the barriers in my own head and actually do something to make the world better. Maybe you can too. I hope this isn’t news to you, that you’ve heard all this before and are way better than I am at living, truly living, for something bigger than yourself. I, however, need to remind myself, over and over again that no action is wasted. Maybe I sound like a crazy person. Maybe, for right now, the only way I’m going to improve the world today is to allow myself to be puked on by my baby and to listen intently as my son rapidly recites information about Cars 3 at me. Maybe, if that’s all I can do for now, it’s enough.